Could Have Been Colder
by farwalk
Summary: Alex abruptly ends their relationship. Can Olivia get it back?
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

* * *

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter One**

"This would have been our third Christmas together." Olivia said out loud. A photo of Alex firmly in her grip. How was it possible that she let it all go? Slip right out the door and never looking back. Six months without contact. Not even in the courthouse. Alex never came to the squad room anymore. She never showed up at a crime scene. Olivia was never called to testify. At least by Alex. Usually one of her junior ADA's, but never Alex. A slight chill ran down her back. She leaned away from the window and pulled the blanket tighter around herself.

_________

Glass of wine in her hand, Alex stared out the living room window. Wrapped in a white sweater. The white sweater. She remembered opening it last Christmas. One of many gifts from Olivia. Olivia. How did it get this far? No more late night dinners. No more "meetings" is her office. She had avoided her for six months. It was easy has a bureau chief. It was hard has a lover. She rested her head against the cold glass and looked down onto the street. Snow piled on the sidewalks and curbs. Fresh snow falling from above. Her breath fogged the window pane. He fingers traced a heart and she carefully placed an "A" and "O" inside. Her body shivered has she walked away.

_**Six Months Earlier**_

"_Marry me?" Olivia said looking at Alex from across her desk._

"_What?" Alex raised her head at the sound of the question. Her heart was pounding with pleasure._

"_Marry me. We belong together." Olivia merged her hands together, folding them into one another. She left only the two pointer straight, on them rested a beautiful diamond ring. "Not apart." _

"_I …I don't know." Alex retracted. This is not what she had planned for this meeting._

"_Don't know. How is that possible? You breathe I breath, you hurt, I hurt. You move, I move. You cli…" Olivia tries to control the panic in her voice._

"_Okay I get it detective." Alex cuts her off before then comparisons become too much more personnel. _

"_Detective?" This is a personnel conversation and you call me detective? Wha… What's going on here Alex?" Olivia paced the room. Hands in her hair. Confusion and hurt racked through her body. Alex stared at her. Watching her like a tennis match. She was choosing her words carefully. _

"_Life does not always give us the chance to complete what we start. There are times when we need to look at things in front of us and say this is the best it will be." She paused. Olivia stopped pacing. She was standing right in front of her. "This is the best. Right now, right here." Alex closed her eye has she spoke the last words. She could not look at Olivia._

"_The best!" Olivia smirks slamming her hand down on the desk top. In her palm was the ring. "The best feels pretty crappy." _

"_Choose to look at it anyway you like, Detective Benson." Alex said coldly moving around to her desk chair._

"_Perhaps you would like to look at my backside leaving." Olivia turned on her heels and walked out the door. She shut it with such force, the glass rattled in the pane. _

_Tears trickled from blue eyes, landing on the pages of the law. It was her lover once again._

_**Christmas Night**_

"Benson." Olivia answered her cell for the third time that night.

"Detective, we got a body. 35th and 7th." The officer stated.

"That's Macy's." Olivia said while putting her shoes back on.

"Yeah. You aren't going to believe this either." The officer was staring at the body on the ground.

"I'll be there in fifteen." Olivia took the key from the door and turned down the hall. When she stepped outside the wind whipped through her hair. She pulled the collar of her jacket closer to her face.

"Another night. Could it get colder?" She jerked the handle on the sedan and slipped behind the wheel.

She took one look over her shoulder and pulled the car onto the barren New York street.

* * *

_**Across Town**_

"Alexandra" The concerned elder woman said. "You have hardly touched your dinner." The elder Cabot reached for her daughter's hand and held it with concern.

"I'm sorry mother." Alex said looking down at her plate. "I am just not that hungry."

"Are you not hungry or are you just not here?" Mrs. Cabot was suspicious of her daughter's behavior since her arrival.

"Mom, please let's not talk about this." Alex looked at her mother with pain in her eyes. "Not tonight, on Christmas."

"Leave her be Dear." Evan Cabot said. He too was concerned for his daughter, but he also knew this was not the time.

"She doesn't know does she?" Evan asked Alex. Alex looked at her father with teary eyes. He shook his head in understanding.

The butler appeared in the room and began to refill the wine glasses. "Thank you, Peter." Christina Cabot said. "I believe we will retire to the living room."

"As you like, Madame." The butler tilted his head forward and on his way up caught the eye of the younger Cabot. He gave her a concerned smile. She smiled back.

Glasses in hand, each Cabot took up residence in their favorite seat in the living room. Alex took off her shoes and placed her feet under her. Her chair was high backed and overstuffed. Its once white fabric now yellowed. Her mother did not change the upholstery on the chair when she had the room redecorated. That was Alex's place and was to remain the comfortable spot for her to retreat to whenever it was needed.

Taking a deep breath, Christina carefully spoke. "Before your lawyer kicks in, please hear all that I will say. Then, when I am finished, you may tell me the answers to my questions."

"Why do I think this was not a good idea?" Alex semi smiled. "Ha hem." Evan cleared his throat.

"Yes, mother I agree to your terms." Alex took a long sip of her water.

"We hold our breath Alexandra for tomorrow. We know that there are a lot of unknowns right now for us and especially you. But what we do know is that you are loved. Not just by your father and myself. But by Olivia." Alex began to squirm in her chair. Christina waited for her to calm herself. "Yes, Alex. Olivia loves you more then you allow yourself to know. And I believe..."

"We believe." Evan interjected.

"We believe not telling her is wrong. When you love someone and you accept their love in return you don't keep things from each other. You commit with your heart to love them, care for them, and receive the same in return. Without question or waiver." Christina stood from her seat and walked over to her daughter. She took her hand and sat next to her on the chair. "My darling, beautiful, brilliant child, why is she not here with you? Why are you hiding from her when you need her?" Tears began in other woman's eyes. "She is a source of strength for you. She gives you a will. You deserve to have that strength and happiness now." With that the older woman wiped the tears from her daughter's eyes and then from her own.

"Mother," Alex began. "I love both you and Daddy. I love what you have and what you have given to me. Undying, loyal love. It is perfect. It never changes." Alex began to cry again. "But tomorrow life changes. Tomorrow the perfect will become different. I wanted my time with Olivia to stop and never change from what it was. I wanted it to stay perfect, so that I had one memory that I could use to be strong with."

"My darling, do you not think that your mother and I have had arguments? Do you not know that each day presents its challenges to us?"

"Yes, daddy, but it's just not the same." Alex was trying her best to control her emotions.

"Oh yes it is. You are passing on something that is very real and very much a part of yourself. You are shutting something out that at this time you need. This time …"

'Enough!" Alex shouted. "What is done is done. I cannot go back. I have to do this on my own. I will survive this. And I will do it alone."

"You will have us." Her mother said in a mere whisper.

"Yes, and for me that has always been enough." With that Alex stood and walked from the room.

Evan waited till he saw that she was clearly out of ear shot. He motioned for Peter to enter the room.

"Tomorrow will be tough. Tomorrow we will need everything we can find to gain strength." He turned to their faithful butler. "Peter, tomorrow I am counting on you to get her there. Alex needs her."

"Yes, Mr. Cabot. I have arranged everything. Fingers crossed, she goes along." Peter and the Cabot's placed their hands one on top of the other and held them there for a moment. Each gaining strength from the other.

* * *

_**Back on the Streets**_

Olivia circled the body for the third time since the arriving on the scene. A transvestite dressed in a female Santa suit. Normal for New York these days. But the colorful part, the victim was being violated by a male mannequin. Olivia was just stumped has to how they were attached.

"What do you make of it Detective?" Officer Bryant asked.

"One sick puppy did this." Olivia said still starring at what was in front of her. "How long till the ME arrives?"

"Box said 20 minutes." Bryant looked at his watched. "That was 16 minutes ago."

Olivia raised her eye brow. "A simple 'should be here in five minutes' would have been fine."

"What have we got?" Warner was just snapping off her warm gloves and replacing them with thin latex ones.

"Best I can tell, rape and murder." Officer Bryant said. Warner and Olivia looked at him like he was interrupting an important all girl conversation.

"So, the usual Christmas event?" Warner said.

"Yeah only this one is a bit more colorful then the regular tinsel and wrapping paper." Olivia started moving from in front of the victim so Warner could get a clear view.

"Wow!" Warner said. "Gives new meaning to blow up doll."

* * *

Hope you like this new one.


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

* * *

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Two**

"You haven't had anything to eat or drink in the last 12 hours?" The nurse asked.

"No." Alex replied. The room was cold, but all hospital rooms were. Her parents had left to get some coffee. She had demanded that they drink it I the cafeteria. It was unfair that she couldn't have any. Even if it wasn't her mocha double espresso.

"Have you had a movement today?" The nurse was still asking questions while Alex was lost in her head.

"Huh?" Alex replied.

"Have you voided today?" The nurse was less than cheery.

"I would like to void today all together. But with regards to what you are asking, no I have not." Alex hated answering such deeply personnel information especially to a stranger. "And no I do not need help in that area either unless you want to bring me coffee."

"The tech will be in shortly to draw blood." The nurse said placing Alex's chart on the bedside table. "I just need to get your temp and blood pressure."

"When will Dr. Poole be in?" Alex was beginning to get nervous.

"She should be in soon." The nurse paused to write down Alex's blood pressure. "Please no talking and keep this under your tongue." The nurse repositioned the thermometer. Alex rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"I see you still have the old Alex available." Her mother said walking through the door. "Still has that little girl pout when getting instructions." Both Evan and Christina smiled at their only child. The nurse took the thermometer from Alex's lips and entered the information in the chart. Satisfied she had everything, the nurse took the chart and left the room.

"Come here." Alex demanded to her mother. She wrapped her arm around her and took a long, deep breath. "Now you daddy." Alex let go of her mother and hugged her father. Again she took a deep breath.

"Ahh!" She said when she exhaled.

"So is the smell a close second to the real thing?" her father asked.

"What smell?" She replied coyly.

"My daughter the caffeine junkie. Good thing it's a legal addition." Evan teased.

"What addiction?" Dr. Tracy Poole asked has she entered the room. "Should I be concerned?"

"Only if you smell like coffee." Christina answered.

"I see. The legal drug of the workaholic." She walked over to the bed and lowered the railing. "I hate to do this to you, but after the surgery, you aren't going to be able to drink caffeine for awhile.'

"I'm out then." Alex said raising herself up trying to get out of bed.

"Nice try." Evan said touching his daughter's shoulder.

"It will only be for a few months. You will heal faster and with the treatments, caffeine won't help much. Probably make you sicker." Dr. Poole advised while helping Alex read just herself in bed. "So, the tech should be here…" The doctor was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Right on cue." She said has she moved to allow the tech to take blood from Alex's arm.

"So any questions?" Dr. Poole looked from Cabot to Cabot to see who might speak up. They had been full of questions during the treatment plan meeting, but now, now they were silent.

"Okay then. I will see you in surgery." Dr. Poole said to Alex. She turned to walk from the room. When she reached the door Alex asked.

"What are my chances?" Her voice had a hint of a quiver.

"Same has the other day, but I won't know till we are in there. 30/70. Remember they are just estimates." Dr. Poole looked at Alex from across the room. "You're strong and healthy. I am betting on you."

"And I am on you." Alex said has a single tear escaped down her face.

* * *

"You look like an all night Christmas party." Fin said entering the squad room. He passed Olivia sitting at her desk hunched over an open file.

"And you smell like a flower shop." Olivia said tongue in cheek. "How is Barbra?"

"She's good. Knows how to cook that's for sure. Hadn't had a Christmas dinner like that since I was a kid." He notice Olivia was not really listening to him. She was deep into the file in front of her. "What ya concentrate so much on?"

"Huh?" Olivia looked up. "Oh, this case I caught last night. Looking over the crime photos see what I might have missed." Fin moved so that he was standing over her shoulder.

"Whoa! That's pretty rough!" He grabbed the photo of the victim intertwined with the mannequin. "How'd that happen?"

"Warner's not sure. Best we can tell the victim was raped by parts of the male mannequin." Olivia pointed to various other photos. "Parts broke off and whoever did this left them inside the victim. Then used the remaining parts to slab her repeatedly. "

"That's through and through." Fin said picking up another photo and looking at it closely. "What a violent scene this is."

"It was even worse first hand. Blood on the pavement." Olivia laid out the various photos has if it were one big photo of the alley next to Macy's. "Walls, human tissue. And if that weren't the worse of it the rookie cops they had working last night walked through the whole scene before CSU or Warner showed."

"And Macy's is supposed to be a family store." Fin said placing the photo he had in his hand back in the proper spot on in the photo array.

"Well, I've got some of the reports back." Melinda said has she walked into the squad. "Our Jane Doe was once a John Doe."

"Well that could be our motive there." Olivia said taking the file from Warner and scanning the content.

"She had already had the breast implants, penial exchange." Warmer was point to various photos in the file. Fin looked on from behind Olivia. "She was on hormones. Will be for the rest of her life."

"Which was yesterday." Fin added. Both women glanced his way. "My bad." He said backing away.

"So what was the cause of death?" Olivia asked.

"Would you believe she was punched in the throat." Warner pulled the photo from the pile. She pointed to the neck. "Crushed the thyroid cartilage. " She looked at the confused Fin "The Adams Apple."

"Oh." He said putting his hands on his own version. "Damn that took a lot of force."

"Yep. Judging by her height and weight and the fact that she was wearing stiletto heels I would say her attacker was roughly 6'3' 180-200 pounds."

"Left or right handed?" Olivia asked. More to see if she could stump the medical examiner.

"The knuckle prints graduate from left to right, so right handed." Warner said with a smile. "Oh and she hit her head on a brick wall." Warner reached up and touched the back of Olivia's head. "She has a dent about 3 inches in length, here."

"Great. Now all I have to do is find out where she came from." She placed the file with the other file she had created for the case. "Fin you up for a little shopping?"

"The day after Christmas are you crazy? Place will be a mad house." He said putting on his coat. "But hey so is the rest of New York."

"I think I'll tag along." Melinda said. "Got some returns of my own." She held up a red Macy's bag. "My husband thought it would be a good idea to get me lingerie for Christmas."

"Nut'n wrong with that" Fin said.

"There is when I'm a size 6 and he buys a size 12." Warner said has they left the squad room.

"Guess he won't be seeing you in it for a while." Olivia said stepping in the elevator.

* * *

Hope you like it. I romise the next chapter by weekend's end.


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Three**

"So the group hung out at the restaurant in the basement of Macy's. The Cellar Bar & Grill." Fin said reading from his notes. "The vic. Rebecca Samuels, AKA Bernard Samuels, left the party about 11:30 pm by herself."

"So, someone actually saw her leave?" Cragen asked.

"No, that's the last time anyone remembers seeing her." Olivia answered for Fin. "She lives in the Heights, so that would explain her heading up 34th to Penn Station. Probably taking the A or C trains home." Olivia added moving the pin on the victim display board to between Penn Station and Macy's.

"So she had to have met her killer almost after she exited the store." Cragen said taking a harder look at the evidence that was displayed. "Or inside the store."

"Front or back?" Olivia asked Fin.

"Huh? I think she was assaulted both."

"No, did she exit the front of the store or the back?" Olivia said without irritation. She learned long ago that Fin was a little thick.

"Not sure. The security tapes have not been made available yet. They erase themselves automatically every 48 hours."

"What's the hold up?" Cragen asked.

"Subpoena." Fin answered. "Can't find Cabot to get one either. Have to wait on one of the flunkies."

"There might be another way." Olivia added. Her mind racing with the case and with the new knowledge that Alex was gone for the holiday. It stung. "There is another set of tapes. They are not located in the store, they are sent to a central security center in the city." Olivia answered. "Since 9/11 every major building in New York has two sets of cameras for terrorist activity and crowd search."

"Let's get on that. We need those tapes." Cragen said. He took the message that was being handed to him by the desk clerk. He read it quickly and walked over to Olivia's desk. She had already picked up the phone and was dialing NYSC. He placed his finger on the hang up causing the call to go dead. Olivia looked up at him with a furrowed brow. Cragen handed Olivia the note, and turned to walk to his office. When he reached his door, he looked over his shoulder at his favorite detective. He face was red and then ashen.

"Captain, I…" Olivia began. Cragen just waved her off and acknowledged her departure. With a deep sigh he sat at his desk and watched her walk out of the squad room. "I hope this works." He told himself before picking up the phone and calling NYSC himself.

* * *

The hospital waiting room was quiet. Deafeningly quiet. The occasional gurney went up and down the hallway, but nothing, just static noise remained. Evan and Christina sat huddled together in the corner of the room near the windows. The day was cold, but the sun was shining.

"That's a sign of hope." Christina had told Evan when the sun first poked its rays through the clouds.

"Yes. A sunny day just like her smile." Evan replied with a hint of worry in his voice.

That was two hours ago. Since then they had sat there and waited for word, any word on their daughter's status. A burst of energy quickly shook the room. Both of the worried parents looked in the direction of the noise. The creaking of rubber soled shoes grow fast and louder has the approached the pair.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cabot?" Peter shouted out in his soft butler tone. The air was let out of the room.

"Over here Peter." Evan answered.

"Right so is there any word, Sir?"

"No. nothing yet." Evan said standing. "Your end?"

"She has received word that Ms. Cabot would like to see her with this address. I know she left the squad room." Peter reported.

"Good, then let's hope she arrives soon." Evan said touching Peter on the shoulder. Just then the double doors opened. Dr Poole emerged. Her shoes sweeping across the floor.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cabot," She paused looking at Peter.

"It's okay. He is family." Christina answered the unasked question.

"Please." The doctor gestured for them to sit. "I am sorry it has taken so long. We were waiting on the lab results. And as you know from our discussions that can take some time. We do not rush these things because we want them to be 100% correct." She again looked at each of the worried faces for acknowledgement of understanding. "The cancer has spread to the lymph nodes." She paused for a moment to let the information to set in. "We will need to do a total Mastectomy, both sides."

"Oh my God. Oh my God." Christina broke out in tears. She leaned on her husband and collapsed. Evan stared into the air. Looking at nothing.

"Will she survive?" A soft quivering voice came from behind them. Olivia stood still. Blood draining from her face. She felt herself go weak. The doctor turned to and looked at the detective and then back to the Cabots. Evan shook his head in approval. The doctor stood and positioned herself so that Olivia could join the conversation. Olivia stood where she was. Her legs were sticks, but her feet lead. The doctor continued.

"That depends on Alex. She will have to have chemo, follow a regiment and remain positive." Dr. Poole said. "She will need to surround herself with positive energy even when she cannot provide it for herself."

"What is the first step?" Christina asked.

"First she has to begin to accept the radical change her body will have. She walked in here with two breasts; she walks out of here with none." Dr. Poole looked at Olivia. She knew who she was. Alex had spoken of her on her initial visits. "There will be time for plastic surgery to restore some natural look to the breasts, but what she has known will no longer be what she sees."

Olivia shook her head to acknowledge what she was being asked. She looked at the Cabots and then to Peter. There was a lot that needed to be said. A lot that needed to be done.

"Now take the time to digest this information. I have to get back to Alex." The doctor looked at her watch. "The surgery will take four more hours or so. Get yourselves something to eat. Go for a walk. I will send a nurse to get you when she is in recovery."

Each one of them turned and watched the doctor walk back into the surgery wing. There was silence. Deafening silence. Christina stood and walked over to the detective. She wrapped her arms around her and held her. Olivia's cries filled the the silence.

* * *

I will do my best to honor the sensitivity of this issue.


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

Any reference to Macy's or "employees' is strictly fictatious.

* * *

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Four**

Even with tubes and machines, Alex looked beautiful. Olivia stood in the doorway, she just looked. Alex was still. Except for her chest, it rose and fell with each breath. Olivia watched, she made sure. Alex indeed was still alive. She walked slowly to the bed. Hesitating has she drew closer. Afraid to startle Alex. Afraid to break her in such a fragile state. Slowly lifting her left arm, Olivia touched Alex on the head. She began stroking the little tufts of hear that had freed themselves from the surgical cap. Her hair was so soft. Olivia gazed at the beautiful face she had found herself remembering, longing to see.

"Why?" She asked no one. "I am here. I am not away. I will be right by your side through anything."

The cool feeling of her own tears sent a chill through Olivia. She didn't notice that a small pool of them had landed on Alex's exposed cheek. Alex flinched has another tear fell. Olivia's eye grew wide, out of fear and hope. The bluest eyes in the world were now gazing into her brown.

Alex's throat was paralyzed by the breathing tube. She just looked at the woman in front of her. Inside her head was screaming.

'You're not supposed to be here. Run. Go. Leave me alone.' It was as if Olivia heard her. She turned and walked from the room.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cabot." She called down the hall. The elder couple came running to her. "She's awake."

Evan and Christina rushed passed Olivia and entered their daughter's room. Smiles crossed their faces has they saw Alex wide eyed and reaching for them. The three of them hugged the best they could. Despite the pain Alex was beginning to feel, the hug felt good.

"We Love you so much Alex." Christina said through happy tears. "I…I am glad." Was all she could continue with.

Olivia watched for only a moment more. She turned and walked swiftly form the hospital. Her hip began to vibrate and without missing a step she pulled her phone.

"Benson." She said reaching the stairwell. She took the steps quickly.

"Olivia, I have news." Warner said holding up an x-ray. "Our victim, Stanford Lang, has some pretty interesting internal scaring."

"Stanford Lang. Stanford Lang." Olivia repeated to herself has she yanked open the door and walked towards the emergency room exit. "I have heard that name before."

"Yep. He is a private label designer for the internal boutique at Macy's."

"That's it. Alex has a few of his dresses." Olivia said not thinking. "That beautiful blue one she worn to the spring police ball and the black dress she wore to the Met."

"The blue one I remember. But the Met, don't think I ever went there with her." Warner said. She knew about the relationship between Alex and Olivia. She was one of only a few people that Olivia and Alex trusted.

"I think I read somewhere that he was branching out on his own." Olivia started her car. "Hold on a second." She placed the phone in the holder and turned on the overhead speaker so that she could talk hands free.

"Yes, he was actually planning on a spring show for fashion week. He got some private investor to back him."

"Right. I will look into it when I get to the squad." Olivia had an idea. "Melinda, can you please call your friend Danielle at Women's World. She might have an insight on who the investor was."

"Great idea. I'll get back to you."

Olivia's mind drifted back to Alex. She remembered visiting the designer's studio with her late August. She pointed her car towards SoHo and headed for his studio. She glanced once more at the hospital has she passed.

'I love you'. She said.

* * *

I know this is a short one and it took awhile. Living through a subject you are writting about is hard. Hope to ahve another soon.


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Five**

Olivia made it to SoHo in record time. It helps to have the flashing red light on the car.

"Right on Grand left on Crosby." She had asked Fin to look up the address for Lang. She didn't need it. She remembered what the building looked like. She remembered because the next day was her last day with Alex. Her last happy day.

"_This fabric is beautiful." Alex said running her hands over the fine silk. It was green. Not a bright green, not a forest green. A calm, peaceful green. There was a slight bright yellow tint, that if moved just right made the fabric glisten in the sunlight. Lang picked up the fabric and held it up to Alex. He began wrapping it around her in various ways. Olivia watched in amazement. The green and gold played with the light and brought the cool blue in Alex's eyes. She watched while the designer transformed the fabric in to a masterpiece that fit Alex in the perfect form. Lang stepped to the right still holding the fabric in place. Alex's reflection appeared in the mirror. Alex and Lang looked in the mirror. _

"_Wow!" Olivia bursted out loud. Alex and Lang smiled. _

"_That's what I was looking for." Alex said moving side to side checking on the hem of the dress. _

"_And that's what you shall have." Lang said peering at his model in the mirror._

Olivia found herself at the steps that led to the front door of the building housing Lang's studio.

"Stabler."

"Elliot, I am outside of Lang's studio." She looked up at the front door. A thin, tall, good looking woman was exiting followed by another woman. Olivia recognized the taller woman from magazines.

"I don't want to go in alone in case I find something."

"Got it I'll be right over." Elliott said standing to put on his jacket.

"I think I will need a warrant. Who's on call?" Olivia asked pacing back and forth in front of the building.

"Well with Cabot out that leaves." Elliott flipped through the DA roster. "Rubirosa or Steele."

Olivia cringed at the mention of Jim Steele's name. "Call Connie. She usually can get a warrant fast."

"Okay. I'll send a squad car over till the warrant is ready."

"Great. See you in an hour." Olivia broke the line. She hesitated for a moment before deciding to place the next call.

"Cabot residence." Peter said.

"Peter, it's Olivia Benson." Olivia said with her best voice. Peter spoke so clean and crisp that it always made Olivia conscious of her own sound.

"Ah. Ms Benson. How are you?"

"Fine. Are Mr. or Mrs. Cabot available?" Olivia knew it was a long shot, but she did not want to risk calling Alex's room just yet.

"I am afraid not, Ms. They are still at the hospital. I only returned to the house to prepare a bag for each of them."

"Are they going away?"

"No. They will be staying at the hospital this evening with Ms. Cabot."

"Right, I should have known." Olivia silently scolded herself over the over sight.

"Ms. Cabot is doing well." Peter added.

"Thank you. That is why I was calling."

"Shall I tell her you called?" Peter said. He already decided he would no matter what the good detective answered.

"No, that's okay. I'll try the hospital later. Thank you, Peter."

"My pleasure, Ms. Benson. Good night." Peter placed the phone back into its cradle. 'I am going to get the two of you to heal no matter what it takes.' He told himself. He turned to accept the small overnight bags from Mr. Cabot's assistant.

"Thank you." He walked to the awaiting car. Being the head of the Cabot house had its privileges. Even if he was the head butler.

Olivia held up her badge when the patrol car arrived. "Studio's on the third floor. Tape crime tape and seal off the door. No one in or out." Olivia said following the patrol officer to the back of his car.

"Yes, ma'm detective Benson." The officer from the passenger side said smartly.

"You gotta problem, officer." Olivia bent to read his name badge. "Lopez?"

"Yeah, I gotta problem. But it ain't with you detective." Lopez said looking over his shoulder at his partner.

"He's pissed because I go to drive. You know how guys are, detective." The female officer offered.

"Do I." Olivia said seeing Elliot pull up.

"Well, Connie could get the judge to sign off on entering, but we have to wait until a CSI team can be here. And" Elliot looked at his watch. "It won't be until the morning." He looked at his partner. "You look like crap, go home Olivia. This building will still be here in the morning."

"I um."

"Go home, Olivia Get some sleep." He touched her on the arm. "She'll be okay." Olivia looked at her partner and shook her head in acceptance. She wasn't going home.

* * *

**Mercy General**

"When I count to three Alex, I need you to cough." Dr. Poole said grabbing the tube that was in Alex's windpipe. "Ready?" Alex shook her head in agreement. "One, two, three." The tube was pulled from her throat and along with it bile.

"Yuck." Alex said weakly. The room filled with laughter.

"Would you like some water?" Nurse Anderson asked.

"Not unless it has mouthwash with it." Alex said still gagging on the taste of the bile.

"So you're feeling better." Christina said with a smile.

"Yes, now that I can talk." Alex said weakly.

"Can we put the tube back?" Evan said. "I enjoyed having the floor all to myself today." Everyone laughed even Alex.

"Ooh. Daddy don't make me laugh it hurts."

"Sorry princess. But it's the best sound I have heard today." He leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Sweetie you're warm."

Nurse Anderson took the thermometer and ran it up and across Alex's forehead and down again. She held it for the doctor to read. "You have a fever, Alex." Dr. Poole said. She took out her stethoscope and began listing to Alex's breathing. "Hm. I am going to give you something for the fever."

"What about this thing?" Alex said barely raising her arm. She winched has she put it down.

"That thing is your fuel source. It will stay until you are a bit stronger." Dr Poole said has she checked the I.V. site. "Give her vancomycin, 10ccs." Nurse Anderson left the room. Another nurse entered.

"I would like the temperature monitored every 4 hours." Dr Poole began to untie the sleeve of Alex's surgical gown. She stopped before she took down the front panel. "Mr. Cabot."

"Yes. Hum I'll go see if Peter has returned with our bags." He bent and kissed his daughter on the forehead again. "I love you he said." He turned and walked out the door. The doctor nodded and the nurse shut the door behind him.

"Alex, I need to look at your incisions." Dr Poole began to peel back the bandage. The area was still a little numb, and the morphine pump had just activated so Alex didn't feel the adhesive pull at her skin.

"You may look if you like or not. You can wait till you're ready." The doctor paused before taking the gauze from the removed area. "Mrs. Cabot you may wish to wait as well." Christina reached out and took her daughter's hand. She gave a gentle squeeze that was returned. Dr Poole raised the gauze exposing the now vacant area. Alex closed her eyes, just has her mother let out a soft gasp. Christina leaning in front of her daughter's view. She placed a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"You are beautiful. I love you more today the first time I knew of you. My brave wonderful daughter."

* * *

Hope you all enjoy. Next chapter shortly.


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Six**

There are those moments when you realize that you have to put the hurt and the pain that one has made you feel aside. That you must move forward and can't go back. And if, only if moving forward means it has to be with the person that as hurt you, then you have to make the ultimate sacrifice and forgive. Olivia sat in her car parked once again in the hospital parking garage. She made her decision. She knew the hurt that Alex had forced upon her was not unrecoverable. Not being with Alex, not trying not helping right now would hurt the more. She was ready. Ready for anything that beautiful woman had to hand her. Even if the words and actions stung beyond knowledge, it was worth the chance to help her survive. It would mean surviving herself.

She opened the car door and stepped out into the cold wind that whipped through the garage. It felt like having the cold arms of the last six months wrap around her. She walked with purpose into the hospital emergency room. Retracing her steps from earlier before. It was late. Visiting hours were over. But she had a badge. She didn't often use it for personnel use, but was this technically personnel? She was visiting after all an ADA. Alex was also a witness in a crime she was investigating. Truthfully, Olivia didn't need an excuse for herself. She reached the stairwell and took the stairs two at a time. Reaching the third floor, she hesitated for a moment before she pulled open the door. The floor was much quieter then the chaotic emergency room. It took Olivia a second to gain her bearings. She scanned the floor and found Dr. Poole standing at the nurse's station.

"Dr. Poole." She said with some hesitation. Dr Poole did not stop writing in the chart. She held up one finger on her free hand. When she was done, she closed the chart, placed it back with the rest of the binders. She turned.

"What can I do for you Ms. Benson?" Dr. Poole sized up the woman before her. It was obvious the detective was nervous. She wanted to put her at ease. She saw that the doctors' dictation office was empty and motioned for them to enter.

"Thank you." Olivia said moving into the small space and taking the chair facing the small window.

"Before you ask," Dr. Poole began has she took her seat. "I cannot tell you anything about what we did to Ms Cabot or what we will do. I can only speak in hypathecially. "

"I understand. So I will ask my questions like I normally have to." Olivia took a moment to form her question correctly to get the answers she wanted. "Doctor, if a woman were to have a double mastectomy, what happens during the surgery?"

"Well that depends. If she is planning on have reconstructive surgery, the removal would take place by a doctor such as myself. I would remove all of the breast tissue and it is possible the some chest muscles are removed." The doctor paused to make sure Olivia was grasping what she was saying and about to tell her. "In some cases though I do not have to remove muscle. The tumor is sent out for biopsy. Then if reconstruction is to happen, a well qualified plastic surgeon comes in and takes over."

"Will the breast look normal at that time?" Olivia asked.

"Yes and no. It depends on if the nipple area is saved. If it is not then in a later procedure the nipple will be tattooed on the patient."

"Tattooed? That can't be a natural look." Olivia said in a bit of disbelief.

"We it's not as if the local tattoo artist comes into the OR and breaks out his tattoo needles." Dr. Poole chuckled. "Again it is done by a plastic surgeon who's well qualified in breast reconstruction."

"How long does all of this take?" Olivia asked.

"It depends on the patient and the cancer." Dr. Poole replied. She paused once again. She knew that if Alex was going to make it she would need a lot of support. Olivia was going to play a big part in it. "Although it's not a scientific fact, your mind and its ability to control your emotions and how those emotions assist in the body healing. I have had some patients that were in dire straits after surgery. There was less than a 30% chance they would make it. Once they found that one thing that was a motivation to survive, their health improved and the cancer was gone."

"I have seen that with some of the victims that I deal with. They feel life is hopeless after their rape and they give up on life. They never pull out of the 'rape moment'. Some can never leave their houses." Olivia remembered quite a few of the victims that she helped through that step and how Alex had helped her after a few bad cases. "So now doctor, what can I do?" the fear and desperation returned to her voice.

"Well, during the surgery the doctor inserts drain tubes in the breast area. It helps with fluid buildup. When patients are discharged, they are still in place. Patients already feel half when they leave and when the tubes now have to be taken care of by a loved one, it's just one more shot to the self ego so to speak."

"Yes, and for someone who prides themselves on being independent its worse."

"So there are exercises and pain medication regimens that the patient must also keep on top of. As well as making sure infection does not set in." Dr. Poole looked directly at Olivia. "It will take a committed person to help the patient through this process and it's only the beginning. There is the possibility of chemo and then several reconstruction surgeries. Again they each have their draw backs and their positives. It is a drain to the patient and the caregiver."

"Thank you, doctor. Good to know all of this." Olivia stood up and extended her hand. Dr. Poole stood to shake her hand.

"Any time detective." The doctor held her hand for just a moment more. "Some patients are a bit bull headed and make decisions they really don't mean to make."

"I'll keep that in mind doctor. Good night." Olivia walked out of the room. She turned left and went towards Alex's room. The door was slightly opened and she placed her hand on it to get a better view of the room. Alex was asleep. Her father was asleep in the fold out chair. Her mother was nowhere in the room. Alex looked so peaceful. Olivia noticed that she no longer had the breathing tube. Alex smiled in her sleep. It made Olivia smile.

"She's beautiful isn't she?"

Olivia didn't take her eyes off Alex. She knew the voice behind her. "Yes. And…"

"You love her and want to help." Christina said. She touched Olivia tenderly on the arm. "She loves you, Olivia. She just didn't want to burden you with all of this."

"She should have known I would be here. I should have done a better job of her trusting me." Olivia turned and looked at Christina.

"Are you up for some tea?" Christina wanted to talk further with the detective. She wanted to reassure her that Alex really did need her.

"Sounds good." Olivia gave one last look into the room before returning the door to its original spot.

They settled into a small waiting room just off the nurses' station. There was a hot water and coffee machine and a small selection of tea. Christina chose a vanilla chai and Olivia a mango green tea.

"We missed you at Christmas." Christina said. "Despite what you may think or were led to believe, Evan and I were quite happy that Alex had found someone."

"But it being a woman was not exactly what you expected." Olivia added wrapping her hands around the warm paper cup.

"On the contrary. We have always known that Alex was gay." Christina smiled. "Well we learned she was when she was in junior high. She would talk nonstop about Teddy. Teddy this and Teddy that. We naturally thought Teddy was short for Theodore. And it wasn't."

"Theodora Westin!" Olivia chimed in.

"Yes. I caught them kissing in the garden. Of course I was shocked, but it was not something I could change, so it is what it is. Alex is her own person and my daughter and I love her."

"She is that. Her own person." Olivia sat silent for a moment. Christina sipped her tea slowly. She used the time to get a closer look at the woman her daughter loved more than any other. "I asked her to marry me."

"Really! What did she say?" Christina was a little excited.

"She broke up with me. She said that this was the best it would be and wanted us to end before it got worse." Olivia held the cup in shaky hands up to her lips. She carefully took a sip of the warm liquid.

"When was that if I may ask?" Christina kept her eyes locked on the detective.

"July 26 at 8:43 pm." Olivia said. She fought to hold back the emotions. "I remember because my heart broke. I felt numb and I went home and slept for two days." Tears began to fall. "I didn't want to me awake if it meant Alex was not going to be there."

"Christina reached out and put her arms around the younger woman. "She found the on July 15 about the lump. She had the biopsy the next day. And the afternoon of July 25th she got the news."

"And the next day she kicked me out of her life. Why just tell me why?" Olivia could no longer control her tears. She buried her head in Christina's shoulder. She smelled just like Alex. It brought comfort.

"She loves you. That's her only defense." Christina rubbed Olivia's back trying to calm her. She decided then and there that Alex was wrong and she was going to tell her cancer or not.

* * *

For those that know, I have told only part of what happens to the patients. But the emotional part is the hardest. Enjoy and thank you all for your kind words.


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

**

* * *

**

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Seven**

The sound was definitely not her alarm. She reached across her bed. Her hand landed on the empty, cold spot next to her. Alex came rush through her. Her scent, her softness, the feeling of her breath on her neck. The buzzing brought Olivia back.

"Benson!" She shouted has she raised her head from the pillow.

"Rise and shine beautiful. CSI is ready to go over Lang's studio." Elliot said with a cheer in his voice.

"Okay. I'll meet you there in thirty." She said running her fingers through her hair.

"Make it 15 and I'll have your coffee ready." Elliot said and hung up.

Olivia laid in bed for a moment longer. The phone rang again.

"You have twelve minutes now." Elliot said with a smirk.

"What about breakfast?" Olivia said pulling herself out of bed. She reached for her dark jeans that were piled on the chair.

"Egg sandwich with cheese." Elliot said has he watched the vendor put it in the brown bag.

"I love you, El." Olivia said struggling to put her pants on and hold the phone with her chin. "I'll see you in 10." She let the phone fall on the floor. Buttoned and zipped she crossed the room to the bathroom. One look in the mirror and she thought a shower would be a good idea. But she didn't have time. She turned on the hot water at the sink and began brushing her teeth. She watched herself in the mirror and lost herself in another memory.

"_You know that's wasting water, right?" Alex said still lying in bed._

"_Yes and no. I have to let it run so that the water will get hot. So I might as well brush my teeth with it and take my allergy meds and vitamins."_

"_Makes sense, but it's still wasting water. You should have the landlord look at it." Alex was now lying at the foot of the bed. A pillow tucked under her chin. She was enjoying the view of the shirtless detective in front of her. _

"_Let's see. It's a hundred year old building. The floor creaks when you walk on it, the kitchen needs some severe updating and every time I turn on the blow dryer, or the microwave the lights flicker. I think the hot water in the bathroom is the least of this places worries."_

"_You forgot the loose tiles in the entrance hall and the elevator that sometimes doesn't come." Alex added._

"_See, so not problem. Or a lot of problems. Depends on how you look at it. But whatever way its home." Olivia placed her hand under the running water. It was warm now. She bent to wash her face. _

"_Well, you could always move out." Alex said rocking back and forth while still lying on the bed._

"_Where am I going to find a place that is this cheap and this close to everything I like to do?" Olivia said rubbing water through her hair._

"_Well, there's always my place. I something you like to do." Alex teased. _

"_Your place." Olivia took the towel from the rack and began drying her face and hair. She made her way towards the bed. She sat down next to her favorite affection. "That's a big step don't you think?"_

"_Well if don't want to?" Alex said rolling on her side so that she could read Olivia's body language. It was a language she liked learning. _

"_Oh it's not that. Not that at all. I just mean it's no longer your place or mine it will just be your place everyday all the time." Olivia reached out and began caressing Alex's arm. _

"_Well, we can find an 'our place' if that is better." Alex offered. She was enjoying the detective's touch. _

"_I'm kinda enjoying my place right now." Olivia leaned over and kissed Alex softly. Here efforts were returned with a much more passionate kiss. Alex pulled Olivia down on top of her. Her hands caressed the detective's bare torso._

"Stop it!" She yelled to herself. She looked hard into the mirror. "You're killing yourself." She stuck her hand under the now boiling water. "Shit!" She turned the cold water on to even out the temperature. Placing her head under the faucet, she let the gentle, warm flow run through her scalp and cascade over her face.

**Mercy Hospital**

Alex finally gave into the pain. She pushed the button on the auto dispensing machine. The cool liquid quickly ran into her veins and the pain stopped. She hated doing that to herself. She did not like being dependant on anything. OR anyone. Except Olivia. She missed her. She had been silently grieving over the loss she imposed on herself. She no longer had the strength to hold back the flood of emotions that had been held at bay for months. Despite the pain medication, her body ached to have Olivia touch her just once more. But why would she? Alex had seen the hurt that she caused Olivia when she ended their relationship. She had dealt with the comments made by Elliot and the rest of the squad when she stopped coming to the squad room and started having meetings in her office. And now, when she was no longer the woman she was. Disfigured by a disease that she could not prevent, why would Olivia even want to be her friend?

"Sweetheart what's wrong?" Evan was awaken by Alex's sobs.

"Nothing, Daddy." Alex turned her head towards the door so her father could not see her tears.

"You are crying. Are you in pain?" Evan stood and sat on the edge of her bed. He reached out and placed his hand under Alex's chin. He turned her face so that they could see one another.

"No. Thanks to this handy machine, I feel no pain." Alex gave a wry smile hoping that it would end her father's questions.

"You are in pain of a different type then." Evan concluded. He could see it in her eyes. "She's been here." He watched his daughter's expression go from calm to scared. "She came while you were in surgery. And she came last night."

"How did she find out? " Alex said in a panic.

"She's a detective. A very good one." Evan hid his own truth.

"Yes she is. What happened?"

"You mean how did she react?" Evan didn't wait for his daughter affirmation. "She stayed with us until you were out of surgery. And then she stayed by your bedside until you woke up." Evan paused so that Alex could drink in what he was saying. "She only left then, because she wanted you to see your mother and me first."

"But she didn't stick around did she." Alex said curtly.

"She got called away right has we entered your room. Some designer was murdered and she is the lead detective." Evan waited, but Alex said nothing. "Interesting case. She told us about it, not in gory detail, but enough to entertain us while we waited for your surgery to end."

"Glad my daytime life was a source of entertainment."

"Yes, well, she came last night after visiting hours. She and your mother talked."

"Yes we did." Christina said entering the room. She was carrying a bouquet of flowers. An orderly was following close behind with two carts full. She bent and kissed her daughter on the forehead, flowers still in hand.

"Those smell good." Alex said.

"They are from Jack McCoy." Christina said placing them on the bed side table. "Joseph, please just leave the carts, I will empty them and bring them into the hall."

"Yes, mam." Joseph walked over to Alex's water jug, he check it and found it empty. "I will get you some ice chips Ms. Cabot. Would you like anything else?"

"Yes, a half cafe double latte." Alex said with a smile.

"Sorry no caffeine on your current diet. All of that that you need is in your IV." He turned with a smile and exited the room.

"How do you feel today?" Christina asked as she began taking the various vases from the carts. She placed them around the room. It was beginning to look like a flower shop.

"I am okay. A little pain, but I'll push through." Alex tried to reposition herself on the bed. She was still fairly weak and the pain was not being controlled by the medication like it had been.

"She loves you." Christina sad in a nonchalant way. She pretended to rearrange a bouquet of flowers that were from Langdon and Pierce. She fought with the carnations.

"She loves the old Alex." Alex said staring at the ceiling.

"Not true." Christina gave up on the bouquet and threw it in the garbage. "Nothing can make carnations look pretty."

"You can say the same for me now." Alex let the tear trickle down her face.

Her parents looked at one another. The worried look that passed between them would appear unemotional to an outsider. But they too were grieving for their daughter's pain.

* * *

hope you like it. only a few more chapters.


	8. Chapter 8

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Eight**

_Three days later_

"Mr. and Mrs. Cabot." Dr. Poole approached the older couple. They were seated in the waiting room just to the right of the nurses' station. The walls were painted a teal green color with tan wooden chair rail boarder. The carpet was new but already stained. Evan had looked at it several times while they sat and waited for the doctor to allow them back into the room. He imagined the stain was placed there when a distraught mother stood to fast when a doctor approached her with news of her son. The coffee cup slipping from her hands. Hospitals always have a tragic feel to them. This floor especially.

The ICU unit at Mercy was made up of several glass walled rooms. There were nurses' stations or charting areas that faced the rooms. The stations were positioned to where they could see two rooms at a time. Screens were inlaid in the desk of the stations. The information on the screens mimics the information being displayed on the machines in the corresponding patient's room. The floor had a space age look to it. Like the command center in Houston that monitors and watches the space shuttle while it is in orbit.

When a doctor examines a patient or an emergency occurs in their room, the glass walls become electrically charged causing the glass to become cloudy. This is both for patience privacy and to not cause visitors to become anxious over what is going on in their loved ones room. It is stressful enough to the families that are there to support the well being of the patients. Seeing tubes and wires hooked up to various monitors and machines with the other end of the tubes and wires placed on or in various parts of their loved one.

"The infection has entered into her lungs and we are doing our best to not allow it to spread to her heart."

"How did this happen?" Evan asked after snapping himself out of his trance.

"It is possible that she had it when she got to the hospital. So minute that it was not detectable." Dr. Poole paused.

"When the surgery occurred it exposed the infection to air and as we know her immune system is weak from fight the cancer."

"What will happen? What do we have to do?" Christina's head became fuzzy. For the first time in her life she could do nothing.

"You can pray. Pray that the newest round of antibiotics will work." Dr. Poole said trying to sound hopeful.

_Across town_

The sun shined through the windows of the loft. Olivia sat in the chair facing the windows. She really hadn't noticed that the sun had risen. She busily moved the fabric through the machine, taking great pains to make sure that it did not bunch or tear. The light fabric was rather difficult to maneuver. One wrong stitch of the needle or moving too fast with the scissors and the fabric would tear. Olivia was thankful that there was an extra bolt sitting in the fabric closet. She questioned it as first since Lang only handmade dresses for special people and they were always one of a kind. Now she knew why.

Olivia stopped when she heard her phone ring. She glanced at the caller ID before answering. HTe number was somewhat familar the time more so. She chuckled to herself. 'An all nighter and it wasn't a steak out.'

"Benson." She said with a sleepy voice.

"Olivia?" Christina said quivering on the other end.

"Mrs. Cabot." Olivia dropped what she was doing. She replayed the saying of her name in her head. She realized that the older woman was upset. "Mrs. Cabot what is wrong? Did something happen to Alex?" Olivia allowed her own panic to appear in her voice. It was becoming increasing hard to keep her emotions in check when it came to Alex.

"Olivia, they have moved her into ICU. She is in a medically induced coma." Hearing those words come from her own mouth caused Christina to finally break. The flood of tears almost made it impossible for her to speak, but she had to let the one person in her daughter's life know the truth.

"What? Why? She was just talking. You told me about the party you and she had planned for her return." Olivia let the dress fall to the ground. Since finding it in Lang's loft, she had been working diligently on it each night. She wanted Alex to wear it when she stepped out into the public for the first time.

"I know sweetheart, but what we didn't know was that there was an infection." Christina steadies herself.

Olivia began packing her things up and headed for the door. She taped the police tape back into place and walked down the stairwell. Taking two steps at time can be difficult, but not impossible. "Mrs. Cabot. I am on my way. Please, please don't let anything happen until I get there."

"My dear Olivia, I only hope I can." Christina handed the phone to her husband. Then without a word, walked down the hall to the elevators. She needed air. Fresh crisp air. And time.

* * *

So your thoughts are welcomed. For those wondering, my better half came through that is why you have not heard from me in awhile and my mother in almost law is getting stronger everyday.


	9. Chapter 9

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Nine**

The air was warm. Just enough breeze to move her hair. Olivia walked towards the park bench that faced the Hudson. Christina watched the birds pitch and dodge one another. Flight is so peaceful.

Olivia sat gently on the bench next to the woman she had grown to love like a mother over the last three years. There is a language between the two that needs no verbal communication. Months of sitting in waiting rooms, planning and settling affairs, their relationship was as close as one could be without being truly blood related.

They both stared a few moments at the water and watched the sun begin to sink towards the horizon. After taking a deep breath Christina broke the silence.

"Shall we go?" She stood and slowly turned towards Olivia. Reluctantly Olivia stood. She waited a few seconds for Christina to reach her side before starting on her path back towards home. Olivia turned and took one last look at the panorama.

"We came here a lot. It is quiet and serine. Time seemed to pass very slow here." She was not revealing anything new to Christina. She said this almost every time they met here. Every Tuesday. Christina is silent. She likes this time, even if it is short. Olivia reached out her hand to help the older woman walk up the slight incline. Christina tucked her arm into Olivia's. When they reached street level, a black limo pulled up and stopped just in front of them. The driver got out and started around the rear of the car, but Olivia stopped him.

"Samuel, I have it thank you." She smiled has she reached out and pulled the handle. She helped Christina in the car and then followed. Christina waited till they pulled away from the curb before she gave her request.

"Samuel, can you take us around the park once, please."

"Yes,Mam." He said looking at the pair through the rear view mirror. He was already heading in that direction. This too was a Tuesday ritual. He smiled slightly at them. It was good to see Mrs. Cabot have someone she could lean on. Someone with the same mind set. She had been through so much. They both had.

"So, what will it be tonight?" Olivia asked.

"How about a little Grateful Dead?" Christina said with a smile. Olivia chuckled. She opened Pandora on her IPHONE and placed it in the stand between them.

"_In the attics of my life, full of cloudy dreams unreal._

_Full of tastes no tongue can know, and lights no eyes can see._

_When there was no ear to hear, you sang to me."_

"Awh 'Attics of My Life'." Olivia said.

"I think you cheat." Christina said. "You always get the first one."

"That's because I am a born listener." Olivia said with a smile.

"_Find me out awalkin'…."_

"Creedence!" Christina shouted. "I loved this song. Reminds me of my father."

Olivia looked at her puzzled. Christina looked out the car window as if to see her father standing on the corner. "When he was very young, he was forced to go out and earn money for the family. I believe he was 11 when he got his first job." She paused to remember the rest of the story. "He sold rags, shoe paste and ladies perfume. He did well, for the time."

"So, that's how the family business got started." Olivia said.

"Yes, he started in Yonkers. Won't he be proud now to see that we are in almost every state in the USA." She said with pride.

"Ladies, we are here." Samuel said from the front seat. Both women were brought back to the present. Christina reached out and grabbed Olivia's hand and squeezed it tightly. Bracing them for things to come.

* * *

The room was set in traditional style. Large conference table with leather backed chairs pushed tightly under the table's edge. In front of each chair was a folder, pen and water glass. The view was of the park. Central park. Alex's favorite place to get lost in a book. But not too lost once she started working for SVU. Much, too much violence happened in the park at times. It was a beautiful green postage stamp among the granite and steel that guarded it.

The glass wall that faced the outer office space was slightly etched with the logo for ACCO. A beautiful hand scripted AC that matched Alex's handwriting. Olivia had insisted that they use that touch. It made the place more real.

A large framed photo of Alex hung on the wall to the left. It was not stoic like many photos of corporate heads. It was of her sitting in the grass, legs tucked under her, blonde hair shining form the sunlight cast upon it. Her face was light by a smile made only brighter by the twinkle in her blue eyes.

Olivia and Christina were greeted at the door by Jack McCoy.

"Ladies. We were waiting for you." Jack said hugging them both.

"Sorry we are late, hard to get through town these days." Christina offered has she and Olivia walked around the room shaking hands with other board members. Each member taking their seat once they had greeted the pair.

Jack opened his folder, "Shall we begin?" He did not wait for a verbal answer. "Tonight's affair should prove to be very profitable for the organization."

"Yes, we have received a very large donation from Trump." Steve Michaels the organization's Treasurer.

"That's nice." Christina said. "What last minute items need to be attended too?"

Jack continued. "We are all set. We need to make sure that you and Olivia are near the stage when the live auction begins. Arthur Branch will begin the auction with bidding on the box seats at all three races of the triple crown."

Olivia lost interest in the discussion once they started directing her were to be. She knew Christina would make sure she was where she needed to be and when. Where she sat, where she always sat, was just to the left of Christina who sat at the head of the table. She could look out at the New York Skyline has the building began to light the night's sky. She could also stare at Alex's picture without being obvious. 'Good she was beautiful.' She said in her head. She said it every time she sat in that room.

"All right then. All is set." Jack McCoy stood up and looked in Christina's direction. "I will see beautiful ladies in about…" He looked at his watch. "Two hours." He bent to give Christina a kiss on the cheek and then to Olivia. Olivia took a deep breath; placing both hands on the table she pushed herself to a stand.

She hated charity events.

* * *

_Twenty minutes later outside Olivia's Manhattan Apartment_

"Olivia, dear, it will be fun." Christina patted her hand. They were parked in front of Olivia's apartment. An apartment that at first Olivia refused to live in, but Christina and Evan insisted. It was a gift from them. But she in the end she gave in, once she saw the view.

"I know. It's just…" Olivia hesitated.

"Do your best, Olivia." Christina let go of her hand. They shared a smile and then Olivia existed the limo.

"Evening Ms. Benson."

"Evening, Ben. How are things?"

"Great. Thanks for asking."

Olivia ducked into the door and headed for the elevators. She looked at her watch. "6:30." She had just enough time to shower, dress and get the rest of the team together. The elevator arrived and she entered, put her key next to number 16, turned the key and waited till she arrived at her floor. Her floor. The whole floor. The elevator opened, she stepped out into her front foyer. Music was playing and every light was on in the place. "For the love of God!" She went room to room turning off lights. She stopped at the study. She looked at the portrait above the mantle. ', wonderful Alex.' She continued on her journey towards her bedroom. When she reached her bedroom, she kicked her shoes off and sat on her bed. She turned her head towards the bathroom. She could see the mirror from where she sat. She just looked. She traced her outline. She watched her chest rise and fall with each breath. Her shoulders drooped just a little more these days. She hesitated. This always happened just before she got ready.

Olivia walked towards the bathroom. She stopped at the mirror. She looked at the reflection. A single tear began to escape from her eye. She gently wrapped her arms around Alex. Both still looking at their reflection. Olivia gave the towel a soft tug and it fell to the ground. Alex instantly placed her hands over her chest. Olivia placed hers over Alex's and gently pulled them away.

"You are beautiful. I Love you." Olivia whispered in her ear. "Your body does not define who you are. Your heart does." Alex leaned back into Olivia. Olivia placed a simple kiss upon Alex's neck. The pair stared just a moment longer at their reflection and smiled.

* * *

Would I really let Alex die?


	10. Chapter 10

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

**

* * *

**

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Ten**

"You'll be safe. I promise." Olivia said to Alex who now adorned a fluffy white robe. "I won't let anyone talk to you that shouldn't or even look at you."

"That is a little farfetched, Olivia."

"No it's not." Olivia replied trying to put her earring in her left ear. She hated the big gaudy diamonds, but they were a gift. "I'll give them one of the famous Olivia stares." She turns to Alex, her face is contorted in a silly way and she sticks out her tongue.

"That will definitely keep them away." Alex said. She laid down on the bed and curled up in the fetal position. This always concerned Olivia. It meant that either she was pouting or she was not feeling well. Alex was on her third round of chemotherapy. Her cancer was no longer in remission. Her beautiful long locks gave way to a short boyish cut. Olivia could see where small patches were beginning to fall away. She did her best not to show worry, but it was hard. She had learned during the course of Alex's illness that she had to keep herself up for Alex, no matter what.

'Positive thoughts produce positive results.' Another one of Dr. Poole's little antidotes. There were days when the pain in Alex's eyes radiated through Olivia. It is on these days that Olivia finds herself wondering through the city with no particular destination. She just wants to harvest its energy to continue the fight.

The fight for Alex. The fight for her life. The fights about whether Olivia should not be in Alex's life ended long ago. Alex needed Olivia, but Olivia needed her more.

* * *

"_Do you ever think that she is only staying alive because of you?" Elliot shoved another bite of his hot dog in his mouth. Olivia gave him a cold stare and dropped her lunch in the trash can they had been eating over. She lost her appetite. _

"_I sure hope that is one of the reasons, El." She said curtly. "When you were shot did you not push yourself through for Kathy?' _

'_Yeah, but that was a gunshot and it barely left a scar. Besides, I have the kids too.' _

'_Dammit El! You can really be an asshole. Gunshot, cancer, the flu all things that can kill you. All things that can change your life in an instant.' She was yelling at him now over the squad car. People on the sidewalk began to stare. 'Alex has a lot to live for. She has her mother, she has her friends, the foundation and…"_

'_And you her strong, supportive spouse.' Elliot through his hands up in surrender. 'I give. I was only trying to say that if or when it is her time to go will you be okay with that? Are you in the slight bit preparing for it?'_

'_If I prepare for it, it means I gave up. It means she'll give up. It means I no longer get to see her in the flesh. How do you prepare for the love of your life to leave you forever?'_

'_She left you once before.' Elliot reminded her. He wished he hadn't._

'_She came back alive.' Olivia said pushing away from the car and started walking up the block. Elliot knew better then to follow. He got in the squad car and headed back to the 1-6. If he just didn't have such a big foot to put into his mouth._

* * *

She sat on the bed and began rubbing Alex's back. Alex had shut her eyes. The touch from Olivia always felt better. It felt like life. "I'll go." She said eyes still shut.

"What?"

"I'll go, but I get to wear whatever I want." Alex said rising from the bed. She gave Olivia a kiss on the cheek and headed for her closet.

"Okay, just remember that the mayor will be there, that senator that Clinton replaced and I believe Trump and some other old rich people."

"So what are you saying, dress up like royalty?" Alex said facing her row of dresses. She smiled at her comment and waited for the complimentarily reply.

"Sweet heart there is no better princess in all of New York then you."

"Promise?"

"Scouts honor." Olivia said now standing at the closet door.

"Good because I want to wear this?" Alex walked over to Olivia's closest and pulled out a black bag. Olivia's eyes grew wide. How did Alex know what was in there.

"There is nothing in there for you my dear wife." Olivia walked over to Alex and attempted to take the garment bag from her hand.

"You wouldn't hurt a poor, sickly woman would you?" Alex flirted.

"First you may be sickly, but you are not poor." Olivia glanced around the room as if to point out its riches. Olivia took the garment bag from Alex. She walked over to Alex's closet, it was more like another room, and began scanning the racks where the dresses hung.

"You are right I am not poor, I have you." Alex shouted at Olivia before heading for the bathroom.

"Alex, honey, how about this one?" Olivia said holding up a beautiful, shimmering navy dress. It was long and shaped Alex just right. Olivia loved this dress on her wife, even though she had only seen her wear it during a shopping excursion. Alex became sick after that trip and they missed the ball the dress was intended to be worn to.

"Okay." Alex said with a devilish smile. "I haven't wore it in public yet so its fine." She had something else on her mind.

Olivia placed the dress on the bed and carefully laid out the diamond earrings and necklace that went with it. She chose a blue, spiked one in a half inch heeled shoe to go along with the grouping. She and Alex were the same height, but if Alex wore some of her 'death" shoes has Olivia calls them, Alex was three inches taller. Which made it difficult to dance and Olivia wanted to dance tonight.

"All set. I am going to call you parents and see how far along they are." Olivia bent to kiss Alex on the cheek. Alex caught their reflection in the mirror. 'We are a beautiful couple' she said to herself and smiled.

"You're smiling, you must be feeling well." Olivia said with a hope in her voice.

"Yes, now go." Alex waved her away. "I have to get ready. I will meet you there."

"Are you sure yep." She said standing and shutting the bathroom door. Olivia turned towards the hallway and did not hear the lock slide into place.

* * *

_**A few blocks away**_

"Whoever invented the bowtie should have known that men would have big fingers." Evan said complaining after his fourth attempt to tie it.

"Oh, come here you old grump." Christina rose up on her tip toes and began to tie the tie. "See, not so bad." She stepped aside for him to get a full look in the mirror.

"Thank you my love." He bent to kiss her cheek.

"Yes, now call the car dear, we don't want to be late."

"Late. Pish posh. A Cabot is never late. We just are casually on time." He said with a smile and a bow.

Christina looked in the mirror one last time. "Not bad." She said turning left then right. The last few years had been rough, but she managed to stay fairly fit and did not appear to age too much. Her phone rang.

"Olivia, daring, tell me some good news."

"It's not raining." Olivia said in typical smart alleck language.

"Good then you won't mind walking to the gala tonight." Christina played well.

"The princess has decided to attend the ball." Olivia said with a triumphant smile.

"You are magical." Christina said with excitement. "How does she look?"

"I don't know. She has started to get ready. She told me to go ahead and she would be there shortly."

"Do you trust her to come?"

"If there is one thing that I know about Alex she has never, lied to me. Well accept about her having cancer at first, but that is understandable." Olivia said with reassurance to both of them.

"Okay then, we will come by and pick you up and Alex can come a bit later."

"Sounds good. See you in five." Olivia hung up the phone.

"Alex, sweetheart." Olivia called out to Alex through the still closed. She tried the handle and found it locked. She rested her body against the door listening to hear movement. She hoped Alex just locked it for security once Olivia left. Alex always had a fear that someone would come up behind her when she least expected it. "I am going to go with your parents. If you are not there in 30 minutes, I am coming back for you."

"Okay, may love." Alex said cheerfully. "I shouldn't be too much longer."

"Alright. I love you." Olivia said with relief at hearing her voice.

"I love you." Alex waited until she saw Olivia leave on the elevator. She was glad that they had installed the camera system. She slumped to the floor. Her body was weak and not responding has she would like.

"Please don't give up on me now. Please." She begged her body has if it was not part of her. Like a small child asking for help on the monkey bars. She grabbed the edge of the counter and pulled herself to her knees. She took a cup from the sink and filled it with cold water from the faucet. Next she reached into her drawer and pulled out a jar of peanut butter. It was there to keep her sugar levels up, a quick source of protein. She hated peanut butter, but it did help. She ran her hands under the faucet and cupped the water in her hands to place on the back of her neck. The cool water felt good.

She looked in the mirror. The color was returning to her face. Her eye, while still sullen looking, had just a little sparkle to them. Taking a deep breath she turned and picked up the garment bag. She had hidden it days earlier so Olivia wouldn't know. She wanted to surprise her. She unzipped it and pulled out its glittering contents. The green dress. She had seen it before when Samuel had shown it too her. It was just a drawing then. How it got finished she didn't know. Samuel's death still went unsolved. Olivia tried to find the killer, but her attentions were shifted to Alex. After Alex was released from the hospital, she and Olivia purchased Samuel's studio. It now houses aspiring designers who need the extra help to get started.

"I wonder if one of them finished the dress." Alex said out loud. Dress in hand, she unlocked the bathroom door and slowly went to her closet. Her robe fell to the floor and she stepped into the dress. "Perfect fit." She told herself while looking in the full length mirror. She ran her hands over each side of the dress. She felt every carefully placed stitch, every perfectly place crystal she indeed felt like a princess. With a deep sigh and a smile she turned and placed her feet into her **Cesare Paciotti's. She placed on her necklace and earrings****and gave herself one last look into the mirror. **

**"World here I come." With that she turned and headed towards the door.**


	11. Chapter 11

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

* * *

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Eleven**

The ride to the Empire State Building was quiet. Aside from the usual salutations when they arrived to gather Olivia for the ride to the charity event. The only other sounds being made were from the city has the passed through and Evan's grunts has he pulled on his collar. Not much was said out loud that is. Christina was going over her speech. Being careful to memorize the inflections and the sharp but pleasant requests for donations. Olivia was playing her regular mind tennis.

'Remember the auctioneer will do all the work. You just have to spot the bidders.'

'God, she looked paler then usual. I shouldn't have left her.'

'Keep my eyes on the crowd and watch for signals. Signals? What are signals? What if a guy picks his nose? Is he bidding or digging? What if some over done woman decides to put on more makeup?'

'I wonder if she has left yet.' Her cell phone buzzed in her purse. She smiles wryly at Christina and Evan has she bends to pick it up. She flipped the screen to find a text message was available.

"LVN in 10 CU LVU!" She smiled in relief. Resting her head on the headrest she looked out of the window and watched the city go by once again.

* * *

**Benson Apartment**

Alex pressed the elevator button to take her to the lobby. She liked the fact that the elevator opened into their apartment. It made it easier for groceries, getting ready in the last minute, and of course getting undressed on their way up. "Any luck that will be how we end our evening." She told herself when stepping into the elevator. The sudden jolt of the elevator has it began started Alex. The descent seemed to be much quicker then she usually travels. She was starting to sweat again. Grabbing the railing she steady herself preparing for any type of stop. It was gentle. She was still sweating and beginning to feel weak again. The door opened and Jimmy was standing on the other side. He saw the state she was in and entered the elevator. He grabbed her by the arm.

"Ms. Cabot, lets get you to the bench." Jimmy guided her out of the elevator and over to the bench that was propped against the wall. "Let me get you some OJ from the car stay here." He stood up and headed for the front door shouting over his shoulder "Sam, sit with Ms. Cabot for me I will be right back." The stout man in the red doorman uniform turned quick on his heels and headed towards the blonde resting on the bench. He sat next to her and took her hand. They did not exchange a word. Sam would just give a worried but warm smile and Alex provided him with a weaker version in return.

"Here you are Ms. Cabot." Jimmy said catching his breath. He held the glass out and waited fro her to take it. With a shaking hand she grasped the glass and placed it to her lips. She took slow sips of the orange liquid until it was gone. Never taking it from her lips. Once finished, she sat back against the wall, glass still in her hands. Both men still staring at her like expected fathers.

"Better?" Sam finally asked seeing the color restore to her cheeks.

"Getting there, Sam. Thank you." Alex with head still resting against the wall closed her eyes for a moment. She pictured Olivia waiting for her at the ball. Constantly checking her watch. With a deep breath she handed the glass back to Jimmy and began to rise.

Take me to the ball my good man." She said with a weak smile. Sam stood and offered the crook of his arm to her. Jimmy walked ahead to open the car door. In normalcy, Alex smiled at Jimmy slightly bowing her head in thanks. Jimmy grabbed the bill of his hat and gave a slight bow himself.

Sam made sure she was tucked inside the car before reaching to shut the door. Alex stopped it in mid flight. Looking at both men, "This goes no where. " She looked from man to man; each shook their head in understanding. Sam shut the door once again. He stepped back from the curb. Jimmy walked around the car to the driver's side. He looked over the car to his collogue and crossed his fingers in view. Sam clasped is hands together as if in prayer.

The car glided into traffic. The princess was off to the ball.

* * *

Short but almost done.


	12. Chapter 12

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.

**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

* * *

**Could Have Been Colder**

**Chapter Twelve**

The room hummed with laughter, conversation and clanging of glasses. Olivia found herself talking with Mayor Bloomberg on one side and Jack McCoy on the other with the police chief fastly approaching. She had no idea what they were talking about. She would just politely glance at her watch, then the door and then scan the room. She repeated this every few seconds. A tall dark haired woman came behind her and whispered in her ear.

"Did anyone tell you its rude to ignore your guests?" The smile could be felt through the words. Olivia turned around and was relieved to see a friend finally.

"Why Ms. Carmichael. Whatever do you mean?" she said slyly in her best southern accent. With the mention of the name, Jack turned and saw his former ADA.

"Abbie, what a pleasant surprise." He gave her a light embrace and a short peck on the cheek. "Mayor this is Abbey Carmichael. " Abbie reached and shook the extended hand. "She was my best ADA during my prosecution days. She with the state department now."

"Yes, I have had the privilege of seeing her in action. She is doing a fine job with our Wall Street criminals." The Mayor said placing his empty glass on the passing tray.

"I thank you, Mayor, but I do not think that many of the good people in this room would say the same thing. Who else could get the Wall Street elite and the people that they aided in relieving of funds in the same room but, Alex."

"I agree. Or Christina." Jack added.

"Well good luck. You do have your work cut out for you." The Mayor excused himself to speak to an older couple waiting to speak with him.

"Speaking of Alex. Where is the party girl?" Abbie asked.

"I was beginning to wonder that myself. The natives are getting restless." Jack said. "Good to see you Abbie. Olivia." He nodded his head and he too went to speak to another waiting voter.

"You look worried." Abbie said looping her arm with Olivia's.

"She hasn't been feeling well. And she really should have been here by now." Olivia said looking once more at the door.

As if on cue, the door opened and the two centuries parted to reveal Alex. All in the crowd silenced in the awe of the beautiful woman. The green dress caught the light just right giving the effect of a true American beauty. The diamonds seemed to send twinkles of light to all that looked at her. As she made her way towards the room, it erupted in applause. She smiled and waved at everyone in the room. The princess had arrived at her ball.

"Isn't she beautiful." Abbie said to Olivia. Olivia said nothing as she slid her arm from Abbie and merely floated over to Alex's side. The couple looked at one another and produced the most loving smiles. Olivia took Alex by the hand and gave her a short kiss on the cheek.

"I Love you." She whispered in Alex's ear. Alex just squeezed Olivia's hand tighter. "Shall we?' Olivia motioned to her bride. One last smile and they were off into the crowd. The volume of conversation pick up. Well-wishers took turns talking to Alex, complementing how beautiful she looked, how much she has been missed. At one point, Olivia leaned over and spoke in Alex's ear.

"Is the princess's ego getting stroked enough?" To which Alex just turned to her smiled and nodded. After half an hour of listening to all the smiley speak, Alex squeezed Olivia's hand and closed her eyes. Has if she were protecting a witness, Olivia excused her and Alex from the young ADAs that had surrounded them and took her towards their table.

"Here sweetheart." Olivia said handing Alex some water. "Are you hungry I could have them bring you dinner now." Olivia said motioning for the table captain.

"No, I am fine really." Alex said with a sigh. "I am just tired I guess."

"Well we can go home if you like. Its not a problem for me." Olivia moved her chair closer to Alex and placed her hand on the other woman's lap.

"What and miss your big debut has the 'Vanna White' of the evening?" Alex replied with a smile. "Not a chance."

"Fine. But the moment you start feeling bad. We go home. No matter what." Olivia moved her head so that she captured Alex's eyes. "I promised to take care of you and that is what I have set my life to do."

"And we love you for that." Evan said has he and Christina approached the couple. "Let me see you." He extended his hand to his daughter indicating he wanted her to stand. Without letting go fully, he stepped back and gave Alex a huge smile while shaking his head in approval. "Just as beautiful as the day I first met you."

"I was wrinkly and covered in goop." Alex said making a funny face.

"Yes, but still the most beautiful person I have ever seen."

"Ahem!" Christina added.

"Of course next to your mother." His face turning a slight red.

A loud but pleasant carol of bells began to ring. At the head of the room, an array of men in tuxedos stood ringing the bells calling all to their seats.

"Saved by the bell." Olivia said to Evan. The four laughed.

"Wish me luck." Christina said taking time to kiss each one before heading to the stage.

"She is quite beautiful." Alex said in admiration of her mother.

"That's why I married you. I saw what you were going to look like in 20 years." Olivia told Alex who rewarded her with a kiss on the cheek.

Jack McCoy

"_Good evening all and thank you for coming to the fourth annual ACCO Charity Ball. I know most of you hear me daily and are frankly tired of hearing me." _A hushed laughter filled the room_. "So I will be brief. When Christina and Evan Cabot began this organization it was to serve a greater purpose then a mere way for them to 'feel fulfilled'. It was to push the envelops on research, care and life for all of those stricken with Cancer. Since its inception, ACCO has raised over one hundred million dollars in funding for various research centers across the globe_" Applause erupted in the room. _ "And although it may not seem that a cure is in sight, rest assured we are much closer to its prevention with the help of these wonderful people. And those that sit amongst us tonight. Our fight goes on and I hope all of you will help us continue." Heads shook in agreement and quiet conversations began at various tables. "So, now the highlight of the evening." _Jack looked over at Christina who was waiting just off stage behind the black curtain._ "Five years ago this wonderful woman came to my office to' talk'' Jack actually made the quotations with his fingers. "I knew at the moment she sat down at the chair across from my desk, she had no intention of leaving till I heard every last word." _Laughter came from the audience once again. _"I am glad I listened and honored to have been a part of this organization for the last five years. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms Christina Cabot." _

The room exploded with applause. Jack stepped towards the center of the stage and waited for Christina to reach him. He extended his hand, and said to her. "Go make money out of putty." With that he turned and offered his arm. A brief peck on the cheek once they reached the podium and then Christina stood there alone. She raised her hands and began moving them to make the crowd stop with their applause. This only made it grow louder.

"_If you do that all night, the Mayor will have us sited for rioting." It didn't work more applause. "Please, please…" F_inally it began to die down. _"Thank you all. Tonight we are all gathered among friends. Tonight we all give a bit of time to hear pretty speeches, bid on items we really don't know what to do with and eat pretty good food." _Small chuckles_. "Tonight….wait" Christina_ took the speech that was placed before her and turned it over. She then took the microphone from its stand and walked to the front of the stage_._

"This is going to be good." Abbie said. Alex, Olivia and Evan shook their heads in agreement.

"_Tonight we are blessed each one of us, for we are here among friends and for some enemies. Some of us have been touched by cancer, some have lost loved ones and some are thankful that they have no connection with the disease at all. Tonight we are blessed to have the most wonderful woman with us." _She glanced at Alex who smiled at her_. "As a mother, you take every step with your child. You teach them the good the bad and the indifferent. You expose them to life. They see the beautiful sides filled with love, laughter and life. You watch them has they grow and dream of their future. You may not always be happy with their choices, but you accept them because they belong to your child. You help them when the choice is bad and you help them when the choices are too many." _She began walking back and forth on the stage, making eye contact with various members of the audience_. 'In 2004 there seemed to be no choice for my child. There were no real answers; no path that could be taken that was common. We had cancer. Yes we. For this is not something you go alone, life. You have it filled with everything imaginable and you go together. Tears did not heal what we were suffering from; anger did not make it go away. And there was no ignoring it. It was within us. There was a time when we weren't on the good side of cancer. We were sliding into Neverland."_ Alex reached for her father's and Olivia's hands. She squeezed them tightly. _"What got us through was belief. Belief that by sure will is the best medicine. That and Love. The power of both is undefeatable. I ask that each of you dig deep into your own souls and find that spot, that inner most area that keeps you in check. The one you fear or revel in. What is the cost of that? What is the cost of cure? Endless, boundless. No Its priceless. I ask that you now pull out that check and right a few zeros behind that 10! Thank you all." _

The room once again erupted in applause and cheers. Christina bowed to each side of the room and made her graceful exit down the stage stairs. Has she passed Jack she crossed her fingers for him to see and he returned the gesture. Evan met her just inside the curtain.

With a peck on the cheek, "I love you. You had them eating out of your hands."

"Let's hope they put a check in there instead." She smiled back.

They heard the auctioneer's voice begin to describe the first open bid item. "Better head to the table, there's a little something I would like."

Olivia stood at the first sign that the auctioneer was taking the stage. It was hard to miss. He was a rather large man with an even bigger cowboy hat on his head.

"Game on." She said bending to kiss Alex's before manning her spot in the audience.

"Just give them that Olivia stare. We'll make millions." Alex whispered in Olivia's ear. With a smile Olivia was off into the crowd.

* * *

See I can make a happy chapter.


	13. Chapter 13

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.

**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

* * *

**Could Have Been Colder**

CHAPTER 13

'_In the era of giving dwindling in lew of paying off the house in the South of France. The ACCO managed to get the tight- pocketed open ego crowd to donate one million dollars to cancer research. One would have to flip a coin to firmly decide what evening highlight was the actual cash exploiting moment. _

_Christine Cabot, the foundation's co-chairwoman, gave an inspiring speech. Allowing the passion for this cause to come straight from her heart. Her daughter, Alex Cabot, the once front- runner for New York City DA and the foundation's namesake, was also in attendance. This was her first time to appear at the any of the foundation's galas. She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2004. '_

Jack straightened the frame that contained the article of the most successful night in the foundation's history. A photo of Christina, Evan, Alex and Olivia was artfully placed at the right corner of the frame. He took a moment more to stare at it before retreating down the hall to his office. He could hear a phone ringing and the clicking of a few keyboards has he walked steadily down the hall. He stopped and smiled at his secretary before entering his office. The view was spectacular. Windows floor to ceiling on two sides. He was high enough to be over the brown haze that lingered in the air in the summer. Yet low enough to still see people and cars below. Has he took his seat; he turned his chair to face the windows like he had a million times before. He looked out the windows at nothing in particular. Just the buildings surrounding his, the harbor in the distance and a few birds that ventured up to these tall perches. He is amazed at how short life can be, but how long it can live?

* * *

Olivia picked up her brush for the third time this morning. Brushing her hair slowly and patiently. She looked at how long it had gotten. Alex had encouraged her to grow it out. It got in her way at work, but she did it for Alex.

"_Mine will take so long to grow." Alex said running her weak hands through Olivia's hair. "Please, for me." _

'_How can I say no to you, my Love.' Olivia replied kissing Alex's stomach. It had grown rather large in just seven months. Olivia liked to rest her head and listen to their child. A few times, he would kick causing the couple to laugh has Olivia's cheek would bounce. _

_Alex had taken a risk. She had pretended to go to chemo. Her doctors warned her of the stress it would put on her already weak body. She didn't care. She wanted to complete her family no matter the cost. _

_Olivia was furious when she found out that Alex was not in chemo like she had been assuring Olivia. _

'_Where have you been going?' Olivia's eyes were ablaze with concern. 'I show up at the clinic and they said you hadn't been there in quite awhile.' She was pacing in front of the kitchen island while Alex was making dinner._

'_I called your mother and she was just as shocked as I was. She thought I had been taking you to chemo.' Olivia stopped pacing and stared directly at Alex. Feeling the heat from Olivia's stare, she looked up and smiled._

'_I have a surprise for you. Now just go and change your cloths. Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes.' Her face still glowing. Her eyes sparkling blue. Olivia was defeated. She would have to retreat and try again._

_Somewhere between pass the butter and how do you like the couscous with truffles, Alex blurted out. 'We are going to have a baby.' The fork full of food Olivia was about to shovel into her mouth suddenly fell to her plate. Couscous and peas scattered on the table and floor. _

'_Say that again slowly, please.' She was half praying she had not heard what she thought._

'_I am six weeks along. The doctor says I am a little weak, but that's to be expected.' Her smile lights the room. Olivia did her best not to show how concerned she was. Alex was happy right now. She could bit her tongue for a few more minutes. She pushed back her chair from the table and walked over to Alex. She knelt down next to Alex's chair and placed her hand on Alex's stomach. _

'_I love you.' Was all she could say._

Daniel came into the room slowly and quietly. He had learned over the last few days to be gentle when entering his moms' room. Olivia heard the familiar footsteps behind her and looked at the approaching figure in the mirror. She smiled and scooted to the left on the vanity seat allowing the younger her to sit. The pair looked at one another in the mirror. Odd that he should look so much like her. But her brother was the donor so not too surprising. He had her dark complexion and Alex's long legs. Light brown hair that always needed a trim. Sparkling blue eyes and a square jaw. She turned her head and gave him a soft peck on the cheek.

"You look handsome." She leaned a little to the left to see his attire from head to toe.

"You're beautiful, mom. But do I have to go?" He was tugging at the hem of him jacket.

"You could stay here, but I think in years to come you will have regretted it." Olivia said putting a little lipstick on.

"I suppose. But it will be hard." He said still pulling at the hem.

"Only has hard as you make it, son." She was looking at him again in the mirror. She took a deep breath. "There are things to like about this and there are things to cry about this. There are days I want to scream and days I want to sit in my room and cry. But I can't." She reached for his chin and turned his face towards her. "It feels like the end of the world. But a new one had already started." She gave his nose a little tweak and gave him a hug.

If only she believed her own words.

* * *

I am sorry all. Now that summer is over and the house no longer is busting with activity. I will have the freedom to finish these tales and then spin some more.


	14. Chapter 14

**DISCLAIMER:** The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.  
**ARCHIVING:** Only with the permission of the author.

* * *

**Could Have Been Colder**

CHAPTER 14

It was a beautiful day. A day that seemed to be picked to bring happiness for just an occasion. For just a little while. Daniel held his mother's hand as the limo drove through the streets of Manhattan. Each looking out the window not a word exchanged.

* * *

Christina and Evan too sat quietly in their car. Evan again playing with his tie, it had become a nervous habit. Christina reached for his hand to pull it from his collar. She continued to hold it in her own. Evan watched has she gently laid their joined hands on her lap. He looked at his wife and smiled. She placed her free hand on his cheek tenderly. No words were needed.

* * *

As their limo pulled in to its destination, Olivia squeezed her son's hand causing him to look at her.

"I'll be okay Mom." Daniel gave her a big grin. "This won't be that bad. Granddad will be here." He tipped his head toward the car pulling in front of theirs.

"Be mindful of your surroundings, son." Olivia looked out the window past her son. A crowd had already begun to gather. "Remember what your mother always says."

"Yeah. Decisions today affect the choices tomorrow."

"No, always have chocolate." Olivia pulled a Hersey's bar from her purse and gave it to Daniel. "Put it in your pocket and don't let your Grandmother see it."

"Our secret Mom." Daniel turned to open his door. He saw the crowd and lost his courage. He closed his eyes and whispered a prayer. Olivia reached out and began to rub his back. He turned, "Ready, Mom." He opened the door and stepped from the car.

* * *

"Wow, who knew Alex was so popular." Evan said peering at the crowd.

"Evan really. She'd walk into a room and everyone would look at her. Popular please, commanding yes." Christina ran her hands through her hair and checked her lipstick.

"Shall we?" Evan knocked on the window. The driver dutifully opened the door. "Thank you, Preston." He simply bowed in respect. Evan turned and offered his hand to Christina. She graciously took it and exited the car. The pair turned and saw Daniel and Olivia standing on the sidewalk waiting for them.

* * *

"Hi kiddo." Evan said giving his grandson a hug.

"Hey." Daniel replied trying to break free. It was hard to breath being engulfed in Evan's coat.

"You look handsome." Christina simply just smiled at her grandson.

"Well, we should get going." Olivia said reluctantly.

The group turned and looked up at the stairs of the courthouse. Jack McCoy, Elliot and Kathy stood at the top waiting for them.

"One step at a time everyone." Christina gave the order and the family began their climb to the waiting crowd.

"She looks great." Kathy whispered to Elliot.

"Daniel is so grown up." Elliot added standing like a proud father. Kathy looped her arm in his and calmly ran her hand over his coat sleeve.

"So many stairs." Christina stated under her breath. Photographers began snapping photos of the arriving family.

"Just two more Grandma. Almost there." Daniel was doing his best to not trip on each step while helping Olivia. He hated getting his picture taken.

Jack McCoy skillfully stepped in front of the reporters and photographers. Elliot and Kathy moved on cue.

"Olivia, Daniel." Jack greeted them with a handshake. "Christina. Evan."

"Always so formal, Jack. You would think after 15 years you would lighten up a bit." Evan said moving past the district attorney.

"Uncle Elliot." Daniel was happy to see his second favorite male role model.

"Hey, squirt. You're looking.." Elliot lost his words. He was proud of the boy that stood before him.

"Rather handsome." Kathy added. "Olivia how are you holding up?"

"Let's get through this and then I'll tell you." She smiled at Kathy.

"We are ready to start." Connie Rubirosa announced to the small group. She directed them to the front row. A mahogany podium with the City of New York crest stood just under the grand entrance to the city courthouse.

Several of the sitting judges were on hand. Most of them Alex had either gained has a friend or at least an admirer. Defense attorneys where scatter in the crowd. Their best thousand dollar suits getting warm under the early spring thaw.

Mayor Bloomberg rose and approached the podium.

"Ladies and Gentlemen. We are here today to honor one of our own. Alex Cabot proved to be a worth opponent both in and out of the courtroom. She was tenacious in her fight against crime and cancer. Her legacy will forever be etched in the walls of this building. And for some of you, in your lose columns." A chuckle ran through the crowd. "Jack McCoy," the mayor turned to acknowledge the standing DA. "was instrumental in proving the citizens of New York a safer city to live in. Prosecuting countless unwinnable cases and winning. He will be sorely missed in these hollow halls." The mayor stepped from the podium and shook Jack's hand. They exchanged pleasantries.

Olivia reached for Daniel's hand and squeezed it for support. Christina took Olivia's other hand and held it lovingly. All seemed to take a deep breath in unison has the mayor returned to the podium.

"I know under new leadership, this city will continue to thrive. The streets will be safer and our justice while swift, will be fair and unwavering." The mayor turned to his secretary and took the red leather book from her hand. The crowd stood in silence. A familiar clicking began to echo off of the pillars and walls. Cameramen fought to get "the shot."

Alex waved at Daniel and then Olivia. The mayor extended his hand and Alex took it with a gentle force. He then raised the book and Alex placed her left hand on the book and raised her right.

* * *

**Epilogue:**

"You know I won't be too far, Moms." Daniel said placing the last of the boxes in the back of his SUV. "You two will be just fine." He spread his arms encompassing both women.

"Yes, but who will be here to make a mess in the kitchen when getting a midnight snack?" Alex said giving him a jab in the ribs. "Or forget to lock the door before leaving the house?"

"Well," Daniel said looking down at Olivia. "Mom O is will still be here to do all of that stuff."

"Confession time." Olivia said raising her right hand in the air. Alex gave her a disapproving grin. "Hey a captain can get hungry after a stakeout. And when your late your late. Besides we have the auto alarm."

"For heaven's sake. I spend all day putting the bad guys in jail while my wife has let our son take all of the blame all these years for her household crimes."

"Well that's something I won't miss." Daniel said kissing each one on the head before releasing them. "I love you both. Enjoy. Thanksgiving is not that far away."

"Neither is Boston." Alex chimed. Daniel climbed in the driver's seat and started the engine. Olivia shut the door. Both women fought for space in the open window.

"One at a time." He kissed each of his mothers and then put the car in drive. "Now step away and go to the curb. I have to go if I am going to miss traffic." He waved them to the sidewalk. They dutifully obliged. They waved has he pulled away. They waited until he had turned the corner before turning and climbing the front steps.

"So, Madame DA, what shall we do with all our free time?" Olivia gave Alex's behind a soft slap.

"I think you just assaulted a government official, Captain Benson!" Alex said playfully. She held the door open for Olivia to follow her inside.

"Well then cuff me." Olivia gave her a sly smile. Alex raised Olivia's handcuff with her index finger.

"A step ahead of you, officer. Has always." She turned and raced up the stairs.

"I am beginning to like this empty nest thing." Olivia said. She paused before racing after Alex.

"What?" Alex said from the landing.

"I Love you." Olivia began a slow climb up the stairs. "For twenty-seven years you have been in my every thought. And I have loved the whole journey." She reached the landing and took Alex in her arms.

"I Love you too. But we have yet to begin the real journey." Alex kissed Olivia on the cheek.

"Yes we have." Olivia spun Alex around so fast and had her right arm cuffed before Alex realized what had happened. She placed the cuff on her own left wrist.

"Seriously!" Alex exclaimed.

"Seriously mine until Monday at eight a.m." Olivia gave Alex a gentle nudge.

"Seriously yours forever." Alex

* * *

And that concludes this story. Happy ending just like at home.


End file.
